Thursday, July 31, 2014

Joe Lucero Owes Me $300: A Cautionary Tale

Joe Lucero blocked me on Instagram and Snapchat, the only social networks he uses. He won’t respond to my text messages (he’s probably got me blocked on iMessage as well) and he’s made it pretty clear that he refuses to speak to me anymore. That’s just fine with me, because after 2 months and upwards of 30 disregarded or deleted messages, I decided to turn an annoying situation into an excuse to collect Google ad revenue.

Joe and I met in Fort Collins where we both went to college. He was the sorority girls’ GBF (gay best friend) and everyone seemed to love him. We were never super close, but we ran with the same social circle so he was always a welcome addition on nights out with my girl friends. We met up when he came to visit Las Vegas earlier in 2014, he met some of my friends here and we soon all booked a trip to New York City for a music festival in the summer.

Joe agreed to buy an extra festival ticket off of me at face value and also agreed to pitch in for the Airbnb room that six of us contributed to for the trip. The Airbnb was charged to my card and I received payment from everyone but Joe, who assured me that he’d pay me for everything as soon as he found an ATM. In total, he owed me $277. It wasn’t enough to make me worry too heavily, but it was definitely enough to make me want to get it back.

ATMs must be super hard to find in New York City because he never got around to getting the cash.

Assuming the sorority sweetheart wasn’t a total bum, I texted him on my way out of the city on June 9th, asking him to just transfer the money when he got back. The next day when I reminded him, he claimed he didn’t know how to do it, so I sent him a step-by-step instructional guide. When he still couldn’t seem to figure it out, I sent him alternatives. I usually use Square’s Cash app when my friends and I split bills, but Paypal would also work if he preferred.

Suddenly, the GBF (great big fuckboy) who used to text me silly things and Snapchat me every detail of his life didn’t understand how to use apps or the Internet in general. He didn’t know how to text, either.  After a handful of texts over the span of more than a week, he sent the following message and let me know that he was simply too busy to attend to the issue.

Joe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe LuceroJoe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe Lucero

On June 27th, he was set to go to Brazil for an entire month. I told him that it was fine if he was busy and to just make sure to get everything squared away before he left. At that point, I had been home from NYC for 8 days and he still had 10 more days left until he embarked for Brazil.

A few days before his departure, I still hadn’t heard from him. After a quick reminder, he let me know that he didn’t have the money…but he would soon have a check to cover it. (And, I’m sorry, but if you don’t even have $300 of wiggle room in your bank account, you should not be going to a foreign country for a month.)
Joe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe Lucero


Ugh, and I was still such a nice person to him up until that point. Sometimes I’m just so based I can’t help it.

Then, this happened: Joe left for Brazil. A month later, he decided to stay in Brazil. Sweet.

Joe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe LuceroJoe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe Lucero


I could post screenshots of all of the messages I sent afterward that were ignored, but it would get redundant. Rationally, I thought that maybe his iMessage wasn’t working right (despite the “delivered” status of each message). He was still posting on Instagram, so as he posted, I commented to let him know I was trying to get a hold of him. He deleted my comments.

As I came to terms with the fact that I was probably never going to get my money back from this kid, I decided to turn him into yet another one of my endlessly hilarious Internet jokes.

(In case your broswer doesn't allow you to click on the photos in the tweet:)
Joe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe LuceroJoe Lucero Colorado State University Denver School District Joe Lucero


Here’s to you, Joe Lucero. I considered us to be friends until you skipped the country and cut off all communication between the two of us over $277.  Two hundred and seventy-seven dollars. While I will make that much back off of a couple articles, you will have to do much more work to have this link removed from your Google search results once I get into SEO for this post. I warned you ahead of time that I would make fun of you on my blog. And, because of the considerable online reach I’m getting these days, you knew that if I followed through, a couple thousand people would read about how you’re a bum and a shady friend. Once I tag all of our mutual friends on Facebook, they’ll feel both awkward and amused and I’ll have gotten my point across.


So, Joe (Joseph?) Lucero, who studied communication at Colorado State University in Fort Collins, had a brief stint as a member of Pi Kappa Phi (Zeta Phi), worked for Famous Dave’s in Fort Collins and worked in Indian / Native American education for Denver School District (and traveled to Brazil / Brasil in 2014), if you’re reading this, you can go ahead and keep the money. I’d say we’re about even now.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Going-Away Party

Every time I pass this lot on Koval and Harmon, just a block east of the Las Vegas Strip, I remember how I woke up there one morning with vomit in my hair and an outbox full of typo-ridden text messages.



I had three days left in Las Vegas and everyone from my work was going to a hotel party at an all-suite boutique resort just off-Strip. At the close of my first summer in the desert, I considered it to be my going-away party (although they actually rented the room to celebrate a coworker’s birthday). I was excited and sad to be spending one last night out with the people I had come to know and love during my summer internship, and I wanted to go out with a bang.

My boss and I shared an infatuation with Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, so I bought a 750ml bottle for the two of us to split. When I arrived at the party, I took two solo cups and divided the bottle completely between the red chalices. I handed one off to the boss and kept the other to myself, sipping it straight from the cup all night like a cocktail—without mixer or chaser.

I heard later that I was jumping from bed to bed in the suite and that I encouraged a mass skinny-dip in the pool that no one partook in. One of my friends back home told me that I called her, infuriated, saying that no one would take me to Del Taco. And there were quite a few outgoing messages in my phone with jumbled letters, surveying my friends to see who could take me home.

I woke up at 6AM to the hot Las Vegas sun magnified through my windshield in my face. I had locked myself in my car in the parking lot near the resort. There was a large puddle of puke outside the door…and in my hair, on my shirt and—oh god, in my car. I was supposed to pick up my mother from the airport in a few hours. I was supposed to go to work soon.


I went home and cleaned the sun-baked vomit out of the carpet of my vehicle and proceeded to attend to my responsibilities. I felt terrible all day, but luckily I soon had my mom there to help me pack up to move home and to take me to Cheesecake Factory at the Forum Shops at Caesars to load up on greasy goodness. I'll never again love Las Vegas as much as I did during those 24 hours.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Questions

Everyone says it, but I've only started to learn in the last couple of years that relationships aren't easy. Obstacles like distance, situations in life and financial stability will keep people apart when they want to be together. Sometimes the timing is wrong. It isn't just a matter of wanting to be with someone and then just being together and being happy.

There are too many questions to answer before two people can be together. Like how long do you intend it all to last? And can one or both parties put up with the others' flaws? Are you willing to alter your life for another person? Or do you expect someone to just simply fit into yours instead?

What would you give up to be with a specific person? Could you live with yourself if someone sacrificed everything for you? And what if none of it works out? If you've found someone you love so early in life, why wouldn't you be able to find someone else in time too? What if you don't?

And what does all of the other stuff mean? What if there’s someone else? Even if it’s temporary… How do you know when something is worth continuing to focus on? When do you decide that a relationship is worth giving up on? If another person can take your mind off of someone, are the feelings for that someone always real? What if you're the one who is forgotten?

What if, one day, you’re never remembered?

Should you ever settle for the next best thing? What if you are the next best thing to someone else? What if you never end up with the person you're supposed to be with? What if you do?

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

An Addendum to "BottleKat"

So, since I'm basically a celebrity by now, a local magazine did a little interview with me that you can find here. Obviously I jumped at the offer to have my headshot featured in the glossy pages of Vegas Seven magazine, the very mag that had a large part in my writing career taking off in the first place. The issue finally came out today and I was thrilled to see my cute, sarcastic and utterly true words mass-published and distributed across town.

Since the word constraints didn't allow for the full interview to get published, I wanted to share the whole thing with you guys via my blog. Some of my favorite parts got cut out and I felt it to be selfish to keep mantras like, "why fall in love when you can fall down the stairs at Hakkasan," all to myself.  So, for the entertainment of my friends, fans and followers, here is the "bottle rat" interview in its entirety:

P.S. Don't be shy to ask for autographs if you get your hands on a print version. *wink*



Do you find the term “bottle rat” offensive? If yes, is there another term that you'd prefer people would start using instead? If no, explain why you don't mind it. . .

Darling,
Haha okay, sorry, I can’t.  This one is too ridiculous.  I know you only use like five answers; this one isn’t going to work.  I can’t even figure out how to answer this sarcastically.

So, let's say I'm a fairly young, fairly hot chick from Iowa and I just landed in Vegas — what do I need to know/do/wear in order to get myself some free drinks?

Oh, honey, Iowa?!  First let me tell you to throw out those bedazzled Charlotte Russe pumps that you failed to rip the price stickers off of.  If you’re looking to just get wasted and you don’t care how you get there, then go with your gut that’s telling you to inch yourself into your too-tight sequin tube dress.  Plenty of terribly desperate men are willing to buy drinks for girls who choose to look like shining beacons of ridiculousness.  To be completely honest, any presentable-looking female will end up being spoiled in a major Las Vegas nightclub as long as she goes in with a positive attitude and a friendly demeanor.  Just make sure to get in touch with a host or promoter ahead of time to get on a guest list.  General admission lines don’t pair well with 5-inch heels.

What if I'm an older/not-so-great looking woman?

Darling!  Don’t sell yourself short.  If you’ve made the decision to spend your vacation time in Las Vegas, then you must have a fabulous state of mind.  Don’t think that the end of your youth means the end of your glory days!  Cougars are totally chic right now and you can get everything you want handed to you on a silver platter (sometimes very literally) if you just present yourself nicely and act confident.

What if I'm a dude?!

Unless you look cute in a dress, my dear, you’re probably out of luck.  If you know someone who works at your nightclub of choice, you could potentially get free drink tickets.  The major strip nightclubs have this unspoken policy of prioritizing men with money and girls with good looks when it comes to nightclub entry and accommodations.  Guys will have fun, still, but they shouldn’t go to the club expecting free drinks.

Is there a Golden Rule, or guiding principle of bottle ratdom?

“Why fall in love when you can fall down the stairs at Hakkasan.”

Is it better to lone wolf it, or travel with a pack of girls? What's the ideal number to part those velvet ropes?

It doesn’t matter too much.  If you show up with 15 girls you’re all going to end up losing each other, anyway.  Just don’t go to the club completely on your own because that is: 1) totally weird, and 2) potentially dangerous.

If you're willing to partake in generously offered bottle service, but no monkey business afterward, how do you manage expectations? Do you have any tips for young ladies to keep themselves safe?

If you aren’t down with the after party, then make it known.  You shouldn’t be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do with some random guy, regardless of how accommodating he has been over the course of the night.  If someone is bothering you a little too much, the bouncers at the clubs are your best friends.  They’re trained to look out for the good of the club patrons.  Lots of guys can go from generous gentlemen to sleazy creeps in a matter of minutes, especially if there is alcohol involved.  If you’re into it, though, then more power to you.  I’ve heard that whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas…

As far as staying safe goes…Make sure someone you trust knows where you are and what you’re doing at all times.  I personally like to record my nightly whereabouts via live-tweet (@OHMYGODitsKAT *wink*).  Never get so drunk that you could seriously endanger yourself.  Plus, being a sloppy mess in the club is not a good look.  Make sure the bottle servers pour your drinks or keep a good eye on them to prevent any unwanted party favors from making it into your glasses.  You can also get handbag-sized pepper spray in cute little pink containers if you feel that you want it.

How do you deal with haters/jealous girls/bottle-guarders?

Haters and jealous girls should simply be ignored.  Hatred and jealousy aren’t attractive qualities; therefore, those types of girls will never be an issue to a happy, carefree girl.  Bottle-guarders obviously don’t want to share, and they shouldn’t be expected to do so.  Those bottles start at almost $500 each and if one table doesn’t offer to give out drinks, then another one in that nightclub probably will.

What about tipping the server? Does that get tricky? What's expected?

If you have set up your own complimentary girls’ table, ask the host if you aren’t sure how much to tip.  Tips should be based on the original price of the bottle and how satisfied you were with the service.  Some clubs will automatically charge tips on comps to the table owner’s card, so you don’t have to fuss with it.  If you’ve been invited to a table, the owner will take care of the gratuities.  It never hurts to offer to tip; the table owners will most likely tell you not to worry about it, anyway.

How many dollars worth of free drinks do you estimate you've consumed, ballpark . . .

That, my dear, is impossible to say.  I’ve gone out in Vegas at least once or twice a week for the last two years and I’ve not once paid for a drink at the nightclub bar, regardless if I went for just a social drink or an all-out crazy night.

In Las Vegas, are there certain times of the night/week/year that the free drinks really flow? (ie: best time to show up, best day of the week, special times during the year)

Vegas is fun year-round.  The better clubs with the bigger DJs always boast the best crowds, though.

When out and about and hoping to hit a mother lode of free drinks, what would be the number one faux pas to avoid?

Do not act like an entitled bitch.  There are thousands of girls on top nightclub guest lists every weekend; so you, darling, are not special just because you were put on a “VIP list.”  Chances are, if you are an average 20-something year old girl in the club, you cannot afford a fraction of the bottle that you’re hoping to sip off of.  If a generous individual wants to share his (or her, who knows) bottle service with you, keep in mind that you are being treated to a rare luxury and not a common occurrence.

What's your drink of choice?

It’s always such a tough decision between the four favorites: Dom, Veuve, PJ, and Cristal.

Who's the most generous with their bottles? Old guys, young guys, bachelor parties, or ?

Fun guys!  Fun-lovers transcend standard physical descriptions, but you can always tell who will have more fun from the demeanor of the group.  The guys who are already yelling and fist-pumping are usually the ones who want to continue to party with new and old friends.

If heaven has a VIP area, what do you hope is in it? What will the door policy be?


My ideal VIP experience entails endless champagne, stage-side seats, and confetti falling forever.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Happy Birthday, Blog

This little old blog of mine turned one year old today. A year ago, when I posted my first entry, my life was a giant mess. I had just been laid off for the second time since I had graduated from college less than a year prior, I had no idea what I was doing with my life, and I was having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with being an “adult.” I impulsively took off to California and sat in a Starbucks by myself where I drafted that first post. I didn’t even have a plan for this blog, I just had a lot of feelings and shit and I started writing.

I’ve said this before, but writing has been a very effective form of therapy for me. I even tried actual therapy once, but the shrink was an asshole so I just continued to write things down to get everything out. Not everything I’ve written down has made it to the Internet, but the posts that I did choose to share with you all ended up coming in handy. By my third blog post, I was offered my first writing job. A few posts later, I was offered another job. Other outlets began to take notice of my work and bigger, better things kept rolling in for me.

One year after I created a blog out of boredom and frustration, my life is in a totally different place. I finally have a “big girl” job that I plan to grow with, my priorities are coming together better, and I’m doing particularly well with being an “adult.” My hair is longer, I’m more mature, and I don’t have to shop at Forever 21 all the time anymore. I’ve grown “ohmygoditskat” into a seemingly well-known brand in this crazy industry that I’ve chosen and I’ve met some seriously influential people along the way because of it. Throughout this blog, I’ve documented my ups and downs, my party stories and introspective feelings, and I’ve even touched on my love life and loss. I feel so much more “put together” now than I was just one year ago, and this blog is the reason why it has all happened for me.

So thanks, guys. I’ve been slacking on the personal posts for the past couple of months since I now actually write for a living (shoutout DJOYbeat! Check it out, kids) and that takes priority. I do appreciate everyone who still keeps up with this blog. Who knows, maybe I’ll begin to post more often now that I’ve noticed how neglectful I’ve been to my poor baby blog... Stay tuned.

As always, find out every detail of my life via www.ohmygoditskat.com

Thursday, January 23, 2014

A History of OHMYGODitsKAT and Her Relation to Kat Boehrer

By Kat Boehrer

A word about Kat Boehrer, from OHMYGODitsKAT:

“Kat Boehrer is a normal fucking girl.  She started this blog and subsequently this brand in an effort to show off her interests and ideas online.  Kat Boehrer began to learn about Internet marketing and clickability from her experiments with this blog.  She began to target her posts at her 'young-n-crazy' peers, who were the majority of her audience.  She noticed that certain posts highlighting certain subjects were more successful than others.  She noticed that certain marketing schemes and modes of self-promotion were getting her more traffic.  She created a brand, a business, an entire career around a character she created.

What started as an honest outlet for feelings and ideas turned into a circus; a parody of Kat Boehrer’s real life.”

OHMYGODitsKAT's self-portrait

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Club Life

I'm starting to think that I have some sort of personality disorder.  I am so genuinely happy when I'm in a nightclub, regardless if I'm drinking or if I'm stone cold sober.  I love the vibe; I love the people; I love the loud music and the excess and the glamour and the lights.

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