This is a time lapse of the beginning of my weekend, the day after Thanksgiving. As other observants of this holiday stabbed each other for parking at Walmart or trampled human beings to death for flat-screen TVs, my friends and I got blacked out and went to tha club. This is what happened to me during the hours of midnight and 4AM on Black Friday.
12:00 midnight, Beta Nightclub in downtown Denver
It’s a necessary addition to this piece that I let the reader know that just a few hours before this all went down, I consumed a disturbing about of food. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays and I practiced almost no discretion when shoveling pounds of seasonal carbs into my mouth that evening. I had plans to meet up with some friends and I had made up my mind before even getting ready that I wanted to get drunk that night. My logical thinking led me to take way more shots than I normally would have in a very short amount of time. I figured that since I ate so much, I’d need more alcohol to get drunk. This was my first mistake.
After a handful of *double* shots and an Uber ride down the street, we end up at Beta Nightclub where Porter Robinson goes on just as we get in. I don’t understand how Denver bottle service works so I make my own drink (are cocktail servers a thing, here? I’m still unclear) and my lack of coordination makes a really great screwdriver, with extra “screw.”
denver: that was a good time. i liked telling you my fire extinguisher story— ｐｏｒｔｅ(ґ _ґ) ｏｂｉｎｓｏｎ (@porterrobinson) November 29, 2013
2AM, Beta Nightclub
Porter starts closing with Language (per usual) and suddenly my drunken shit show has become this really sappy spiritual experience. In my head I’m like, Porter, you’re the man, this song is so great, it makes me so happy. At this point I’ve also been making out with this guy that I met the day before for like the entire last hour of the set (sry Mom, sry h8rs, sry ex boyfrans). So Language comes on and I’m half about to cry because I love it so much and half still down to make out with this dude because I’m, like, wasted at the club obvi.
In case you’ve never heard Porter’s “Language,” here it is.
This is the piano cover. It literally made me cry once. Like, I sobbed.
Anyway, so I’m going at it with this guy. I don’t remember exactly what happened… I’m assuming one of us head-butted the other—I honestly might have just hit myself in the face on accident or something (this is the end of the night so it gets fuzzier around this point) but all of a sudden my face is dripping with blood. I realize from the pain in my face that my nose is bleeding and I basically just run away. I’m holding my bleeding nose and I’m barely breathing because I’m laughing so hysterically at the agonizingly awkward state of my life.
The lights come on as I’m trying to clean myself up in the bathroom and they’re kicking us out of the club. We cab it back to one of the girls’ apartments and one of our fallen friends passes out on the bathroom floor. I take that as my cue to leave.
2:30AM, Downtown Denver
My dumbass thought I’d be okay to drive my mother’s car all the way back to the Springs (a 45-minute drive) until I start vomiting in the quiet street with only the leering city buildings and my concerned friend to judge me. In a fit of responsibility, I hand the keys over.
3AM, Park Meadows mall in Centennial
We get to the outskirts of Denver when my friend decides she wants Taco Bell. I Google Map the closest location and when we pull up, I realize I took us to the mall. As I apologize and tell her that I’ll find the closest drive-thru, we notice that there are people walking in and out of the mall…it’s Black Friday, the mall is open. I make sure to call Taco Bell first to see if they’re even open, and when we get the okay, we head in.
Wait so I'm drunk @ Urban Outfitters 1) how 2) I didn't even buy anything that was on sale 3) how— omg it's kat. (@OHMYGODitsKAT) November 29, 2013
There are signs everywhere advertising these great fucking deals and my tired, hazy mind makes me buy a bunch of random shit (none of which is on sale) as we make our way up the mall hallway to the food court. I get Chick-Fil-A. My friend gets her Taco Bell. The Taco Bell guy asked if we were the ones who just called. She confirms.
4:30 AM, Colorado Springs
We’re finally home and I snuggle up in the ultra-comfortable accommodation that I affectionately refer to as my “princess bed.” My last tweet of the night voices my anticipation of what is to come from all of this. I just relax and revel in the semi-memory of the embarrassing and exhilarating night. I will wake in the morning up to the comfort of knowing that nobody else knows or remembers what happened.
…until right now.
What do u think this is going 2 feel like in the morning— omg it's kat. (@OHMYGODitsKAT) November 29, 2013
go to www.ohmygoditskat.com for all things ME.